The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Early in my career, my mentor, Bill Mann, shared a piece of advice I’ve never forgotten. He looked at me and said, “Jeffrey, 90% of the problems you’ll face in this career will be between your ears. Control your self-talk and you’ll control your destiny.”

At the time, I assumed he was talking about confidence. I thought he meant giving myself a pep talk before a presentation or staying positive after losing a sale. Honestly, I wrote it off as another motivational quote. Looking back over forty years in sales and leadership, I realize he was teaching me one of the most important leadership lessons I’d ever learn.

We all tell ourselves stories.

• “I’m not very good at prospecting.”
• “My customers only care about price.”
• “I’m terrible with names.”
• “I’m not a technology person.”
• “I’ve never been comfortable speaking in front of groups.”

Some of those stories may have started with a real experience. The problem is we often turn a single experience into a permanent belief.

The problem is that we rarely fact-check the stories we repeat to ourselves. The more often we tell them, the more they begin to feel like reality. Eventually, we stop calling them stories altogether. We call them facts.

I’ve seen this play out hundreds of times while coaching sellers and leaders. A seller insists prospects don’t answer the phone anymore, so they stop prospecting. A manager convinces herself that difficult conversations will ruin relationships, so poor performance goes unaddressed. A business owner believes AI is only for younger generations, so they never experiment with tools that could dramatically improve their productivity. In every case, the story came first. The behavior followed.

Interestingly, psychologists have long understood that our interpretation of an event often influences our behavior more than the event itself. Two people can experience the exact same setback. One sees evidence that they should quit. The other sees an opportunity to learn. Same circumstance. Different story. Different future.

That’s why I think Bill’s advice has become even more meaningful with time. He wasn’t simply encouraging positive thinking. He was reminding me to pay attention to the conversations happening inside my own head because those conversations eventually become beliefs. Those beliefs shape our choices, influence our habits and, over time, determine the direction of our lives.

So, here’s a challenge. Listen carefully to the words that follow the phrases, “I’m just not…” or “I’ve always…” Those statements often reveal stories you’ve repeated so many times that they’ve become part of your identity. Before you accept them as truth, ask yourself one simple question:

Is this a fact…or is it just a story I’ve been telling myself?

You may discover that the biggest obstacle standing between where you are and where you want to be isn’t your ability. It’s the story you’ve chosen to believe.

The stories we tell ourselves eventually become the lives we live.

Every story has an author.

Maybe it’s time to rewrite yours.

Think Big. Make Big Things Happen.

Jeff Schmidt is the SVP of Professional Development. You can reach him at Jeff.Schmidt@RAB.com. You can also connect with him on X, YouTube, and LinkedIn.